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Top 10 Pokemon that can find and Kill Osama bin Laden
Written by Chris Buffa on Thursday, July 3, 2008
Mr. bin Laden. These are our Pokemans. Let us show you them.
With all due respect to our brave men and women fighting overseas, terrorist mastermind Osama bin Laden is more difficult to find than Groudon in Pokemon Ruby. Al-Qaeda's leader has managed to avoid capture for years, despite thousands of heavily armed troops risking their lives searching for him. Meanwhile, he safely releases tapes to the press mocking allied forces and promises more bloodshed. To this we say, enough! If they were real, we'd dispatch the following Pokemon to smoke him out of his hole.
10. Pikachu
Pikachu isn't the most powerful Pokemon, but it's hard betting against the official series mascot. No matter what horrible fate befalls it, Pikachu always seems to come through. Besides, the little guy's constant flashing would give bin Laden seizures, and we wouldn't mind seeing him electrocuted.
9. Entei
Entei, a legendary Pokemon, can blast enemies with jets of fire hotter than volcanic magma. Even worse, volcanoes go off every time it barks, and its quick speed means bin Laden's supposedly crippled self cannot outrun it. Sucks to be him.
8. Groudon
If all else fails, hit Osama with a volcano. Groudon, a Legendary Pokemon, is master of land, shifting continents and causing volcanoes to erupt on command. It's slow, but its tough armor plating can easily withstand an RPG attack. If bin Laden calls a cave his home, Groudon could easily collapse it, and if he fled, this immensely powerful creature would fry him with face melting sunlight, or just give him a horrible case of skin cancer.
7. Graveler
When pursuing one of the world's most wanted masterminds, it helps having a Pokemon that knows its surroundings. Enter Graveler, a rock type creature that knows a ton about mountains and caves. Not only could it violently roll into bin Laden's crib, but also squash him flat.
6. Steelix
Apparently, Osama bin Laden lives in a cave. Well what a coincidence, so does Steelix. This iron and snake-like monster lives hundreds of feet underground and effortlessly burrows through rock. One second, Osama thinks he's safe, and the next, Steelix erupts into his "home", spewing rocks and debris everywhere. Even if bin Laden escaped, he'd still have to deal with Steelix's sandstorms. Not easy filming your next terrorist message buried alive.
5. Ho-Oh
There's nowhere to run when pursued by Ho-Oh, the master of the skies and fire. This multicolored phoenix-like creature would torch bin Laden, but we have a much better idea. You see, Ho-Oh reincarnates the dead, and we find it fitting that it brings back the thousands of innocent people that died from bin Laden's scheming. Surround the terrorist within a ring of fire and let his victims exact their revenge.
4. Drowzee
Bottom line, you can't fight your foes if you're asleep. This where Drowzee comes in. Bin Laden can have a thousand troops and Drowzee would just knock them out and consume their dreams, which is all sorts of messed up. Once subdued, Osama and his fellow terrorists would be at the mercy of the Pokemon. At least they'd die in their sleep, providing Drowzee doesn't wake them up and drop them into a vat of acid.
3. Deoxys
Like Mewtwo, Deoxys is a psychic type Pokemon that could use its supreme mental abilities to locate bin Laden. Once engaged, it can blast its target with a dangerous hyper beam while switching between its four different forms for combat and defense. When all else fails, it can make copies of itself, further confusing its foe.
2. Alakazam
Despite having advanced military technology, the Army has been unable to outwit bin Laden, who remains in hiding. It makes sense, therefore, to send the Pokemon smarter than a computer. Alakazam isn't the strongest creature, its body is weak, but its 5,000-point IQ means it's impossible to outsmart. Furthermore, its mastery of numerous psychic abilities, such as levitation, mind control, telekinesis, psionic and telekinetic blasts means it's always multiple steps ahead of its foes. Bin Laden and his cronies wouldn't stand a chance.
1. Mewtwo
Finding Osama is no problem for Mewtwo. Not only is it a Legendary Pokemon, among the most powerful of all time, but it's also a psychic and could easily find bin Laden's location. It has no natural habitat, meaning it could survive in any environment, and its ability to fly and take over someone's mind means it could manipulate its target and have him walking right into a missile strike. Go ahead, Mewtwo. Play with your terrorist before crushing him with a Psywave attack.
